Gakuto Learns CHESS
by ahgwa
Summary: And everyone has to teach him grammar, math and basic common sense all over again. CRACK
1. ONE

GAKUTO LEARNS CHESS  
and everyone has to teach him grammar, math and basic common sense all over again.

**disclaimer: **Not mine, and this disclaimer...claims all three chapters.  
**warning:** In which Gakuto is seriously retarded.

* * *

The was a sunny and bright afternoon for the Hyotei Regulars regular tennis practices, unlike those stormy cloudy weather which meant more Physical Training under their air-conditioner that spewed air altered to be like the hot humid afternoons they were supposed to have but they actually never got. 

So the hot sunny and bright afternoon actually equates to happiness, and due to this special burst of happiness, the posh regulars arrived to the tennis clubhouse fashionably early. Then they played chess, partially to piss off the retard Gakuto who has no idea how to play, and also to show of their wonderful prowess.

"Haa! Ore-sama no bigi ni yoi na!" Atobe chuckled annoyingly in Shishido's face and removed the big black queen on the board and irritated Shishido to no end. Oshitari was dueling against Choutaro, and was faring quite well against the junior.

"Check."

Since he didn't even know whether a rook goes straight or diagonal and had always thought of the king as the most powerful piece on the board, our protagonist Gakuto was feeling very left out. But then, you can't have a protagonist in the story without even using him, so he asked.

"Can I play?"

Atobe, as if knowing what he was going to ask, automatically said "No."

"WHY?"

"How many squares does the knight jump?" Atobe flicked Shishido's newly-promoted-pawn-queen away with his bishop and took the square. The latter fumed.

Gakuto took a wild guess "It jumps over two and… lands on the third?"

Atobe's hands stopped halfway across the board, where he was attempting to take Shishido's rook. "It's a miracle…"

Gakuto admitted truthfully. "It's a wild guess, actually."

"So NO."

"WHA? No what?"

"Atobe," Oshitari grunted from under the chess strategy book. "You can't deny he actually answered the question. What was the deal again, ahh?"

Atobe shot him a glare and muttered something Gakuto could not hear before pulling the red-haired into a chair and made him sit down. Oshitari snickered.

"_This_ is the king."

"Oh. I thought that one was."

"That is a queen."

_OOOOH._ "I see…Waitwait! I know this one!!"

"…"

"It's a BISHOP!"

"IT'S A ROOK YOU RETARD!" Hiyoshi slipped away from the clubhouse in shame during the commotion to have to slam his head on the brick wall he practices against.

Atobe cleared his throat uneasily. "You arrange it on the board with the pawns in front, the rooks at the back and the knights, bishops, then the queen and king. The two sides should be placed symmetrically. If you are black, your black queen should lie in a black square."

"Why?"

"…Oshitari, your turn."

"No." Oshitari said, turned his back facing them.

"OFF WITH YOUR-"

"I'll help."

"Good choice, Oshitari." Atobe replied smoothly and saw to that Oshitari doesn't run away when he wasn't looking. Like that irresponsible Captain II.

"HELLO? IS ANYONE GOING TO ANSWER MY QUESTION HERE?" Gakuto was tired of everyone looking at either the clubhouse door pleadingly or looking at the captain and co-captain with half-interest, and yelled his lungs out. His extra oestrogen wasn't for nothing. It made his tantrums look more evil, which was good.

Oshitari sighed. "It just is. Now the middle four squares of the board are the most important places in the board, because it also just is. You normally move your pawns first, because you can't move the rest of the pieces behind the pawn except for the knights if you don't move the pawn."

"WHA?"

"I don't like that expression, Gakuto. Get it off your face."

Except Gakuto couldn't, since he had placed that gawk on his face for so long it had froze and couldn't change.

After a minute of really fun face-pulling by the regulars, Gakuto's face was red and sore. Oh well, better than the gawk any day.

"Set up the board. You take white, since white always go first."

Gakuto debated on whether he should satisfy his curiosity by asking WHY and save his life by not. He decided he would very much like it if he keeps his life, and he set up the board…

"The bishop goes there, the knight beside the bishop…NO. That's the king's space. Yes the other side. The rook on the outmost squares…NO. Not that. That's outside the battlefield. You can't fight outside the battlefield. The queen on the white square, directly opposite the other queen I have already set up a **good** 15 minutes ago. Gakuto, you're…you're…"

"Yes, Yuushi?"

"You're hopeless."

After two minutes, Oshitari whipped up Gakuto's side nice and tidy. Gakuto gawked, but everyone slapped him up a bit to keep his face from freezing up. Then they figured that they could do more face-pulling on the particular regular, so they stopped immediately. Gakuto wasn't as stupid as it seems, because he stopped gawking. At least for a minute.

"Go first." Oshitari said.

Gakuto pushed a pawn in front. The regulars clapped.

"The first steps of the pawn can be two steps, which lands the pawn on the four important squares. It's more effective this way, because you normally aren't."

"Is that an insult?" Gakuto asked randomly.

"Yes."

"…OY YUUSHI!!" After a whole minute, Gakuto shouted.

"How fast is it this time?" Oshitari inquired softly.

"A minute, he's faster now." Atobe said.

"Anyway, it's my turn." Oshitari swiftly smacked a pawn into the four important squares.

Gakuto's bishop that was on a black tile mysteriously landed on a white tile far away from the original, for who-knows-what reasons. Even a blind person could tell, by the loud clicking of the bishop on the tile, a total giveaway.

"HAA!" Gakuto tried a lousy imitation of Atobe, "CHECK!"

Oshitari was reduced to a lump of quivering mass, which would be recovered soon, but not now. Atobe took over.

"Firstly, that's a checkmate, because the kind has no where else to escape to. Secondly, you can't move a black tile bishop to a white tile and vice versa, because it should only move on one color. Don't ask. And, only the knight can jump over pieces, two squares and land on the third square like you said earlier. NO, not like that. In an L shape. NO, not that either. Lastly, no pieces can jump so far, you ass."

"I can jump. I am king. I make my subjects jump." Gakuto finally found a way to outsmart Atobe, or so he thinks.

"You _can_ make your subjects jump. The king can't jump, but he's a lot smarter than you."

"IT IS A PIECE OF IVORY! AM I NOT SMARTER THAN A PIECE OF IVORY?!"

Atobe filed his nails patiently. "No, you're not."

"Oh, okay." Gakuto tried a knight. "Like this?" He lifted the piece and put it down somewhere which was so wrong it shall not be noted.

"NO, GAKUTO! Are you sure you can count?!"

"I CAN. Its one seven four three two six isn't it?" Gakuto said triumphantly.

Atobe scrunched up his forehead in a deep frown. "You're…you're…"

"Yes, Atobe?" Gakuto felt a replay, but he wasn't sure of what.

"You're…you're hopeless…"

"Yuushi said that too; is it a good thing?"

"NO!" The regulars, or maybe what's left of the regulars, hollered at Gakuto and his stupidity. For instance, Shishido had dozed off halfway standing up.

Oshitari was up and ready, but not quite ready. "Are you sure you have a brain?"

"He has a brain. Full of shit that is. Plenty of shit." Shishido muttered incredously.

"Don't you guys not know I jump all the time? Surely my knight can too." Gakuto argued yet another pointless argument, which most of the regulars tried to ignore. Not for Atobe though, renowned for his refined language.

"That's double negativity usage, it's '_Don't you guys know_' or '_Do you guys not know_'."

"WHATEVER."

"Ahem. As the captain of Hyotei, I order you, Shishido, to take my place."

"WHAT? There is NO way in hell I am teaching that ass CHESS. This is improper use of power!" Shishido turned on protective mode and darted to the door, only to find it nicely and firmly shackled and bolted by THE OSHITARI.

"OFF WITH YOUR HEA-"

"Fine. Geez."

Gakuto looks too eager to torture me, Shishido thought, as he seated on the plush armchair comfortably. He had to be comfortable, before he was dead like all the other people that had tried to tackle the stupid Gakuto but in vain.

"The pawn moves in front one square or two squares for the first move and can only move in front one square each time for subsequent moves. To capture a piece, it can move sideways, but only when capturing a piece. No 'why's."

"The rook moves front, back and sideways but not diagonally. No 'but's and no 'I am Gakuto so'"

"The knight can jump, and if I have to explain this theory again like Atobe and Oshitari you would have to kill me first."

"Bishop can only move diagonally. It can only move on its own colored tile. If it was on a white tile, it can **only** stay on a white tile. Full stop."

"The queen can move in every direction for as many squares as she likes. The king can only move in each direction one square each time. He's just lame." Shishido ended off shishidoishly.

They started a game, and Shishido started to think that either their captain and co-captain were too dumb to handle Gakuto or Gakuto suddenly became smarter. When he looked down at the chessboard, he saw his queen missing, and a pawn in her place. The pawn which had been standing five diagonal boxes away from the queen.

"What?!"

"I took Shishido's queen! YATTA!"

Choutaro, who had being quietly listening and grieving over his senpai's stupidity corrected cautiously. "You can't take the queen like that…"

"But…butbut Shishido said 'To capture a piece, it can move sideways'!" Gakuto feigned a wide-eyed innocent look.

Shishido rubbed his temple forcefully in hopes of making himself unconscious. It did not work. "Were you thinking about defeating me using my LOOPHOLES?!"

"There is one? I don't know nothing."

Atobe rapped the table, feeling more irritated than usual. "Tut tut, double negativity usage is disallowed. It's '_I don't know anything_' or '_I know nothing_'."

"WHATEVER."

"The chessboard is like a big battlefield; there is no such thing as whatever to the matter of life and death, ne Kabaji?"

"Usu."

"That's grammar! And won't this kind of thing not be settled easier on the courts?"

"DOUBLE NEGATIVITY USAGE IS PROHIBITED! Its either WON'T or NOT, NOT BOTH!"

And all these misfortunes happened on a bright and sunny afternoon.

* * *

**a/n: **looks like chess is really growing on me. maybe I should write a fanfic on shogi or go or something xD 


	2. TWO

GAKUTO LEARNS CHESS  
and everyone has to teach him grammar, math and basic common sense all over again.

**a/n: **Decided to change this to a trilogy. And, the HIROSHIMA in the first chapter is actually Hiyoshi in disguise, for anybody who read the first version by mistake. Spell-check sort of altered it a bit. Okay, a LOT. You might notice the 'math' bit isn't coming out too much, because the point system is way at the back.  
**warning:** In which Gakuto wants to demote his king. And Shishido nearly jump down the building.

* * *

It was a few days of pouring rain after that particular day of chess. The regulars, excluding Gakuto, also started to come as late as possible in order to evade death. Sakaki was not very pleased. 

Soon after, the regulars' luck ran dry and they were caught in a nice sunny bright afternoon, which they couldn't help but arrive early yet to play chess again. When they figured that Gakuto would actually pester them again, it was too late. He already did.

Atobe and Oshitari were having a battle of the smartest when they were harassed repeatedly by the red-haired shorty.

"Check! Ore-sama no bigi ni yoina!"

"Check. Ore-sama TACHI no bigi ni yoina."

"You can't refer to yourself as ore-sama! It's MY term! I shall bestow that title on you when you proof yourself worthy as a rival, which you are not."

Oshitari changed into sunglasses, looking cool as a cucumber. "I need not your permission to use a title."

"IT'S DELICATE!"

"Can I play today?" Gakuto asked cautiously, because he already knew the answer.

"NO! FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!"

Oshitari tried to reason. "Ask a question, then. One he doesn't know."

Atobe thought hard. "Give me an example of double-negativity usage and how it is wrong."

"THAT'S NOT CHESS!" Gakuto argued. "That's grammar! And it is completely irrelevant!"

"See if I care."

"Um…um…Don't I not like Atobe?"

Atobe spluttered over his afternoon coffee. "Wh-what?"

"Because it is of course I DON'T LIKE ATOBE!" Gakuto grinned at his own intelligence. Oshitari smiled pleasantly.

"Good job, Gakuto."

"Ne, Yuushi, it is grammatically correct right?"

"Logically too."

"SHUT UP ABOUT ORE-SAMA!" Atobe hollered. Normally it would affect even Oshitari, but today he just wasn't in the mood to holler at full strength. He ran out of cough drops just a few days ago and he was not going to sacrifice his royal throat in return for a few badly made up insults.

"Keigo…the agreement…" Oshitari warned. Atobe snorted.

"Later." Atobe pulled a chair and sat down. "If I die my money wouldn't be given to any of you, ass. I shall give the seat of the captain of Hyotei Tennis Club to Ohtori." Hiyoshi gaped from outside the door, where he was eavesdropping from.

"What about the _noblesse oblige _**(1) **you were promoting just a few months ago? Teach that retard something."

Gakuto looked weirdly at the two people currently involving in the battle of wits. "What's noblesse oblige? And what's castling?"

"No one has ever mentioned anything about castling-" Atobe started. Oshitari pushed Atobe off his seat and occupied it happily. "Now go."

Atobe coughed slightly and stared down at the jumping redhead. "I'm doing this out of pure pity for your lack of knowledge in chess, so listen up. Castling is a move when you take the rook, or what you say the castle-like object sitting on the edge of the board looking pretty useless, and the king, and you move them."

Gakuto seemed bored. "And?"

Atobe snapped his fingers. "Shishido, recite the seven rules of castling."

"I AM NOT YOUR SERVANT!" He shouted dramatically.

"Shut up and recite."

Shishido grumbled a little and mumbled. "The player must never have moved the king or the rook involved in castling. There must be no pieces between the king and the rook. The king may not currently be in check. The king cannot pass through squares that are under. Castling is illegal if it would place the king in check. The king and the rook must be on the same rank…Wait. Why are there only six rules?"

Oshitari shrugged. "You merged one and two together." Gakuto started to chant an insult at Shishido in the background, and the taller regular ran out of the clubhouse in shame. As if in shame. Maybe just to avoid the insanity. Oshitari went out to catch him.

"OY! Are you leaving ore-sama with the retard?!"

The blue-headed tensai disappeared in the school grounds. Atobe slumped limply against the whitewashed walls of the tennis clubhouse. "This is most obviously the nadir of my life."

Gakuto cocked his head in a manner that would have been very cute for a girl but seriously sissy for a guy. "Wha?"

"Shut up." Atobe set up the board with the rook and king. "Castling is actually two moves, but chess rules states that moves can only be completed by one hand. You pick the king first, in this case."

"Why?"

"Because I am going to rip your mouth from your face if you say that word again, although it is logically impossible."

"HOW?" Gakuto was so surprised, which was very often, that he jumped from his seat with excitement.

"Sit down; now ZIP IT." He sat. Atobe continued. "Castling is an important goal in the early part of a game, because it moves the king into a safer position away from the center of the board and moves the rook to a more active position in the center of the board. There is two ways of castling, kingside and queenside, in which kingside involves the rook nearer to the king and vice versa for queenside. Kingside is safer and more hassle-free."

"I want Yuushi! You are so non-human! You understand best how many brain cells I have left; you can't give me THIS much to remember!!"

"There is no peace for the wicked," A smooth voice came from the doorway. Oshitari held up Shishido, gagged and bound with random ropes and cloth. "And that applies to you too, Shishido." Atobe was livid, but not because of the newly-arrived.

"NON-HUMAN?! It's INHUMANE dammit!" Atobe twitched.

Gakuto was at a lost. Again. "Eh…YES SIR!"

"Oshitari, I love you. Now save me from this retard." Oshitari stayed motionless. "NOW! I mean it!"

"Touchy." Oshitari bolted the door and untied Shishido, who was currently unconscious with chloroform, courtesy of himself. He dusted his suit and sat down opposite Gakuto. "Play."

Gakuto took fifteen minutes to set up his side of the board. Oshitari took advantage by having a small nap while he was at it. When he was done, Oshitari pushed a pawn.

After eight moves, Gakuto managed to push his entire row of pawns in front. Atobe clucked sarcastically. Gakuto cringed. "Atobe, you sound so wrong when you chuckle! STOP IT!"

Atobe froze. "Say. That. Again. I dare you."

"You sound very wrong when you chuckle." Gakuto repeated innocently.

Atobe snorted in disbelief. "Do not insult ore-sama's chuckling ability."

"Actually," Gakuto said. "You sound even worse when you snort!"

Atobe snorted again. "Ahh? Since when does ore-sama snort?"

"JUST NOW! Don't deny it!" Gakuto could be very mean when he wants to.

"I have no intention of having one pointless argument after another with you."

Oshitari nudged Atobe, who was standing beside him. "You ARE in self-denial, Keigo."

"Stop being so antagonistic! And since when did you start calling me Keigo?"

"For about thirty minutes." Having heard this, Atobe gave up and went to get another cup of coffee. Oshitari ignored him and continued the game, because Gakuto was ranting on and on about how he wanted 'no-frills teaching of chess' et cetra.

When Atobe was back with his coffee, Oshitari had eaten Gakuto's queen, rooks and bishops. Gakuto had somehow managed to keep his knights safe, while Oshitari converted three of his pawns into queens consecutively in three turns.

"Wha?"

"If I move the pawn to the other end of the board, in other words your side, I can promote it to a queen or any other piece of my liking."

"Promotion?"

"Yes." Oshitari said

"Can I demote my king?" Gakuto asked.

"No, you can't."

"BUT HE'S SO USELESS!"

Oshitari smiled. "Like you."

"I'M NOT! See," Gakuto hopped his knight (He had finally understood how to move it) over to one of Oshitari's new queen and ate her up. The thing was his knight didn't even land on the queen.

Oshitari died. "You can't capture something your knight _jumped over_, Gakuto."

Gakuto fingered the queen-in-pawn-disguise. "This queen is still mine." Oshitari was already away from his seat, and was trying to stop a crazy Shishido from jumping down the two-storey clubhouse.

In some way or another, when Oshitari wasn't looking, Gakuto achieved a royal fork.

Atobe gasped.

"Don't gasp!" Gakuto said, irritated. Atobe pointed at Gakuto's knight.

"That is a fork."

"Fork?" Gakuto pondered. "But what's the point of a fork if you have no cake?"

Jiroh woke up. "CAKE? Sugoi!"

Kabaji, who listened to Jiroh just a little bit less than he listens to Atobe, whipped up a cake in the kitchen. Just for the sake of noting, Hiyoshi was banned from the clubhouse ever since the first chess session and also, Choutaro was trying a new method of growing taller courtesy of Inui Sadaharu by drinking milk™.

Oshitari returned, and gasped even more dramatically than Atobe, before pulling out a camera from nowhere and clicked at the chessboard in glee.

Gakuto was miffed. "What was that for, Yuushi?"

Oshitari smirked. "I can't believe the great Atobe-sama would actually help the brainless Gakuto against the tensai ME to win a chess game. It's just so amusing."

"I DID NOT HELP HIM!" The finger on the camera speed shutter stopped.

"I don't believe." Oshitari said.

"I crapped it up myself." Gakuto replied. "Does it mean I have checkmated your queen?"

Oshitari crumbled. "Just TAKE IT."

To avenge for one of his three queens, Oshitari ended the game in a brutal checkmate in five moves. Atobe chuckled (again) partially to irritate Gakuto to no end, and also to laugh at the redhead's stupidity.

"Please don't chuckle; you sound like a piece of shit when you do." Gakuto groaned.

"Faeces do not chuckle."

"Yeah right, you noble ROT."

"Are you calling me wine?"

* * *

**(1) noblesse oblige: noun, from French _The idea that people who have special advantages of wealth etc. should help other people who do not have these advantages. _Just a note.**

**a/n: The noble rot at the end is just Gakuto interpreting it as a noble but spoiled rotten person and using it as a useless insult immediately countered by ATOBE :D Thanks for reading this pointless fic :) The last chapter would be about stalemates, checkmates, value of chess pieces and recording of moves. This is where the math comes in. **


End file.
